To My Baby Boy,

Mommy decided to create a journal, but not just any journal. A journal written to you. I want to tell you how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and how I know you are still with me in another form, so I know it's okay to write to you. You were always the one I went to with my joys, my sorrows, my happiness, my tears, so I've also decided to still let you know about the ups and downs of my life, but in a different way.

I'm not going to talk much about the day you left, because what matters are the days you were here. Besides, all I really remember about the day you left is screaming, crying, and walking around in a cloud of shock. I don't want to remember the pain of you leaving, although I know it wasn't your fault.

I want to talk about the immense, indescribable, complete, perfect joy you brought me. I don't even know where to start. You and I both know that we had our own language; we understood each other. I could be on the other side of the house and would say, "Is Scout coming?" and every time, you would get up from where you were and follow me outside. Or, how funny and adorable it was when I knew someone pulled in the driveway, and all I had to say was, "Who is it?" and I've never seen you get so excited! The cry of joy, the tail wagging, the bolting to the front door! Then, more cries, and walking around in circles, like you couldn't contain yourself! And once that door opened and someone came in, it was like you were seeing them for the first time, you were so happy! Seeing your happiness caused by the littlest things that so many of us take for granted time and time again truly inspires me.

And who could forget, "Scout wants to go for a walk?" This may have cause an equivocal reaction from you as the "Who is it?" Oh, the cries, the joy. As I went to get your leash, you would run up behind me, following me, unable to contain your excitement. And once we got outside, you would pull so much, like you've never been outside before! The funniest part of our walks was when we got to the corner of the block, and since you knew our walk would be cut short if I made a left, you would pull like crazy to go straight, where the walk would be longer! You were so very, very smart.

That's why I knew something was terribly long on our last walk. Not only were you not pulling, you were walking so slow that I was actually ahead of you. You could barely make it up the two steps of the front stoop. Yes, I knew something was wrong, but I was still in denial.

You loved your toys. Charlie Brown, the orange fish, and how protective you were over your green bone! You loved your green bone so much that I wouldn't even take it from you when I knew you were trying to play. And, how you loved to play! You wouldn't fetch, instead we had to chase you around the house or the yard trying to get your toy! And when we threw it, you would bolt like crazy to get it, never getting tired of the game.

The most wonderful part of my day was when I would come home from work. I would either pull in the driveway and hear your cries from the backyard, or open the front door and see you and hear your cries. Or, you would be in your bed in the kitchen, and when you saw me you would run through the hall and greet me so I could kiss you. I lived for those moments. Now, pulling in the driveway or opening the front door is a nightmare. An empty nightmare. I want to die when I don't see or hear you. I just want to die.

During the last 6 months, you were unable to walk up the stairs without falling when you tried to go back down, so you stopped sleeping in my bed with me. But, all those nights when we cuddled in my bed as we were falling asleep, were the happiest times of my life. The happiest moments were when I would give you kisses and you would give me kisses back. Those moments were better than any moment of romantic love I've ever experienced. All of the times I have been "in love" couldn't compare to the happiness I received when I got kisses from you. It was pure, it was true, it was untainted, and it couldn't be taken away, unlike romantic love. It was better.

There were times when I tried to sleep in my room, but being without you was so unbearable that I slept in the living room near your bed. Just being near you caused me to be at peace. I thought those night would never end. Funny how I slept there almost every night, and now I haven't slept there since you left.

You would always try to be near me. In the summer, when I would lay out on the hammock, you would do your usual sniffing around the backyard, and then come and sit on the grass right next to me. I loved having you next to me.

Baby boy, I need you to know that you brought me joy and purpose. You were the center of my world. You got me through the worst times in my life, and all the time I've experienced such unfathomable pain, I knew I would be okay if I had you. Now, I have nothing to sustain me, and I don't know what I'm going to do.

Baby boy, I will never love anything or anyone as much as I love you. I know you can hear me, I can still feel you. You got me through that awful conference call at work a few days after you passed, when I asked you to please be with me and get me through the meeting. I felt you there. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I feel a warm sense of peace, and I know it's you.

You are my true love. I will love you for all eternity.

I'll write to you when I get the results of my measles test. You know I've cried to you about that.

Love Always,

Mommy